I’m fucking pissed.

I’m tired and angry. I’ve stayed in school for 13 hours just to return home to more complaints. There’s nothing like a fresh batch of bitching day in and day out to keep me on my feet. Or just to knock me down from how I was feeling earlier. I’m generally a happy person, I can get along with others, and it’s just upon returning home that I take a turn for the worse.  Every single fucking day.

Nothing’s going my way. Typical teen angst my ass. Every day, it’s the same bullshit. Topped with whatever’s fresh from today. It’s a continually growing pile of rubbish that I can’t get rid of. So what escape is there for me? None, apparantly. I’m limited in freedom in a number of ways. It’s ironic. My parents tell me that with each year, I should be growing to be more independent. So they should be trusting me with more as time passes. However, it’s the exact opposite – I’m not even allowed to take a walk around the neighborhood at night for fear that I’ll do something bad. Yeah, I could understand that if we were still living in Beijing. Sure, we egged a house. And set fire to boxes when we found them. And rode circles around the guards. But right now I’m living in a cell.

I demand my own free time and my own personal space. If I’m writing something that I don’t want my parents to read, they should respect that. I can respect their decisions. If they don’t want me to be informed about a decision that they make, so be it. I don’t have to know exactly what the situation is at every moment in their lives. If they want to share, they’ll share. If they want to know what’s been going on lately with me, they should take time to talk to me without starting off on poor footing. I don’t like being talked to and having to hear nothing but negative remarks. My mom doesn’t help this, my dad just gets angry. I can’t fucking stand their incessant bitching about me. And when the whining doesn’t get to my head, all that happens is my dad gets mad. Yeah, like that’s going to change anything. Just give me my own time, give me some room to breath, and I’ll open up. I’m not placing any unreasonable demands on anyone.

Free time. I can manage my time. I’ve been able to do that. Just because I may not be doing well at the start of this school year is not an indication that I will continue to do poorly. I did well last year. They still weren’t happy. What is it going to take? I don’t remain satisfied with every single purchase I make, but they won’t ever be satisfied with me. I’m told that no matter what university I go to, it’ll be fine. If I end up landing myself in a state university, it’ll just save my parents money. If I go to some kickass university, they’ll pay. But regardless of which path I choose to take, I am required to work at my hardest every single day, go up when told to do so, and not to question authority. I’m not a machine. I’ve got feelings, I’ve got needs, and when I’m feeling like shit I’m not going to work at 100% efficiency. And lately, I’ve been feeling like shit constantly. I’m not working up to their expectations, I’m not achieving the grades that I could be achieving, I’m not at the top of the class. I don’t care right now. I need some time to sort things out. I want some time to sit back and clear my mind out. And that’s not being provided to me. Like I said, there’s been nothing but bullshit day in, and day out.

So, back to the point about me being a happy person. I’d certainly like everything in my life to work out, but there are so many little factors that obstruct that. I want to have a sense of direction, a clear goal in sight, a way to get it all done. I want butterflies and bees, flowers and sunshine. Shit like that. And I’m not getting it. Just because of all the goddamn little things that are in the way.

Hahaha.

So what has come out of today? I paid my RM200 for THIMUN Singapore. So I’m set to go. Just need to write up my resolution when I have time to do it. So far, I haven’t had the opportunity to do so. I had a vocabulary quiz in French, great. And I have an assignment in French for the week-long break that’s coming up. Oh sweet God, I can’t wait for the break. I really need some time just to sit down and unwind. I’m tense right now and I feel like breaking things. Everything is wrong.

I went to Tom Boyd’s home afterschool with Matt Dee. And we messed around. A pretty little home, Tom. And thanks for the pizza. Rawr.

And there’s more, there’s always more.

So I’ve got my lack of freedom. And I’ve got that whole thing about expectations. And my own failures. And such a lack of those little things that I find to be necessities. I want soft drinks. Yeah, it’s a lousy demand, but that’s what I want. I’ve been drinking nothing but water, coffee on the weekends, and milk in the mornings. That’s what I’ve got at home. So 90% of my fluid intake is based upon water. I want something with more taste to it. Somebody’s thinking in their head right now, “Water has taste to it. You just haven’t found the true beauty of it.” And I’ll tell them I have. Because I’ve had to run in the blistering heat, feeling like I’m going to fall over, and then having water. Yeah, it’s sweet. But I don’t intend to run 5km just to get a taste of something pure. I like instant things.

And what else is there? Something I can save for the Memories section later. It’s off-limits to anyone out there. It’s for my eyes only. Regarding health.

So let’s end with something happy sounding. Something hopeful. Hahaha. Since hope is such a lousy word.

Music NoteI’ll spin you around, spin you around
Turn your world upside down
Spin you around, spin you around
Turn your world upside down

If you’ll be my woman
I will take you to another high
If you’ll be my lady
I will take you for another ride

If I saw you dancing
I would spin you around, spin you around
If I saw you dancing
I would spin you around, spin you aroundMusic Note

I’m feeling: Tired
Listening to:  Puddle of Mudd – Spin You Around