miss – it’s love, actually.

A large fuck you to anyone who has said that what I’ve done is out of desperation. An equally large one to anyone who has jeered and told me to “Get over it”. And thanks to everyone who’s heard me out. It’s been much appreciated.

It’s 2:38AM right now and I’m blogging this out on my sister’s laptop. I’m sitting on the rocking chair that’s in my room. The lights are on, I’m still sore from badminton, and I just felt that I had to get something out before I forget by next morning.

I was going to simply drop off to sleep after the phone call. Felt a little different tonight. After the rather hectic day out at KLCC and complete lack of conversation, I got to spill on the phone. Bought RM70 worth of credit today of which I’ve already used RM18. I need a proper allowance to keep up with my phone bills. One thing that I do like is that Maxis Hotlink has special rates for calls made after midnight. Makes talking a lot more affordable.

I must question how others look upon my, well, situation. It’s easy enough to shrug it off and observe that I’ve used a lot of my time on a girl and that there’s nothing left for me to hold onto. Terms like desperation and foolishness get tossed around in such cases. Don’t look at it in such a negative light. Where have I shown weakness? Through my persistence? Is that not a virtue in itself? For without persistence, what do we have to keep us going? Without tenacity, what drive is there to hold on when trouble comes our way? Without hope, what do we have to look forward to?

I remember that in one of my previous posts, I made a reference to a wet dog coming back to its owner in the end. My apologies if anyone has misinterpreted this – it was not meant to be directed towards anyone and was in fact a note for me to drop back into discussion on the point at a later time. Guess I’ve got time to write something up right now, so I may as we elaborate on it.

I was told that this situation can be compared in the likeness of an abused wife going back to her husband because he may still love her. Despite all the violence that she has to put up with, something drives her back. Weak. Desperation is the motivator. That was the point that was supposed to come across.

Now look at the dog that returns to its owner after running away. Why does it return? Surely not because it has nowhere else to go – a dog can find shelter wherever it pleases and food is never a rarity. The dog returns because of its unadulterated love for its owner. Why else would it return? There is no other commitment that holds it in its place. No pledge of allegiance, no unspoken contract that must be adhered to. However, there is a final limit. One day, the dog will refuse to return.

Now now, there was an interesting scene in King Kong that I found especially memorable. Towards the end of the film, “Jack Driscoll” is sitting in a small theater watching a play that he has written being performed. The brief exchange of dialogue between the actors onstage is the interesting thing – they talk about Jack’s failure to tell Ann Darrow about his feelings for her while he watches intently, reflecting on what he has done. He realizes that he has let the most beautiful thing that he has known simply slip from his fingers and storms out of the theater.

I wonder – did she already know that he loved her? All things aside, did the character really understand?

Oh, weird. I’m as tall as Naomi Watts is. Anywho, back to the point.

Heard some rather interesting things tonight that I’ll keep to myself. I don’t feel that it is right to disclose them to anyone else. It’s mine, all mine. You won’t get it out of me, not while I’m still alive and kicking. Good luck interrogating the body, though.

Upon hearing this, I was filled with that same feeling that had swept me before. It’s some blend of sadness, care, love; all topped off with a dash of hope. Quite an interesting concoction that always manages to blow me right off of my feet. It’s during these moments that I make grabs for whatever I’ve got left inside of me to give out. It’s from the soul, ma’am. Take it or leave it. I just want to let you know that you’ve had it.

What can I say now? I’ve said everything that needs to be said over the phone. I’ve cared. To say that I’ve always cared would be a lie – there was a point in time that I refused to become involved in this ever again. I look back and realize that that route is far behind me. I haven’t loved until recently. Perhaps I’ve said that before and I’m just repeating myself. Whatever – the fine line between love and lust is that one can wait whereas the other one takes what it can as it pleases. Earlier, I undervalued the things that I said I loved most. What I saw that was beautiful became nothing – I took it all for granted. I admit to that.

Believe me when I say these things. Don’t respond immediately – think about it. And make sure to read through any emails that I have sent you. The past ones too, if you haven’t deleted them yet. Learn to love. I will be here for you in times of need, but just keep in mind that I can’t wait forever. There is a time when I have to go. Which means we’ll just have to meet up for some 咖啡 sometime.

Now for something entirely offbeat – a search for yetieater yields some 730 or so hits from Google. A search for slash808, on the other hand, yields over 860. Eh.

I learned today that you can take a Sony Ericsson K750i and flash it with a W800i’s firmware, effectively having a W800i in a K750i’s body. I prefer the K750i to the W800i in a purely stylistic sense. I’ll consider giving Alice my T630 and using my Nokia 8310 until I can go to 上海 for Spring Break. I probably won’t manage to pull this off, but it’s always worth a shot. Would appreciate any pointers into the right direction for W800i firmware and a free flashing utility. Students don’t have much money.

Look at the time. It’s 3:32AM now. Time to get some rest.

Listening to: Raccoon – Love You More

a day out.

Dad got back from Hawaii on the 27th, arriving back home around 10PM. Justin went with mom to pick him up at the LRT station and brought him back into the house intact. I opened up his suitcase and found the goodies that he bought for us – two large cylinders of Kraft Parmesan Cheese, a box of 24 Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups (King Size), a couple of Zip-Loc baggies full of Hershey’s Nuggets, some other odds and ends that I can’t bring myself to remember right now.

An annoyance – I still haven’t received my school report card or my PSAT results. I’m looking forward to seeing my PSAT scores. The report card, well, that’s a different story altogether.

Yesterday I went out for a dental appointment. Yay. Everyone got a regular cleaning. Alice had this odd lump that she pointed out and the dentist announced that it was a cyst, apparantely connected to blood vessels – recommended surgical removal of the cyst. So after her cleanup, dad took her to get a blood test done and to figure out the specifics for the operation.

Whole family went out to 大同 to eat dim sun. Excellent food as always, although I find that arguments at the table always mess up my meals. I myself don’t like to argue but when it comes around, I must rise to the occasion and fight back. Perhaps that’s a fault that I have. I see it as a strength in many situations, although it has led to my distancing myself from my parents. I have yet to learn how to judge when it’s best to sit down and hear others out instead of seizing the floor. It seems that in arguments, I must have the last stab to save face.

Justin and mom went back home. Alice, dad, and I went to KLCC to watch a movie. The lines at the ticket office were terribly long. We managed to get seats for the first available showing of King Kong. A pretty damn good movie. I really enjoyed it even though my seating sucked.

I ended up stuck in a row with a whole bunch of little kids and a mom holding on to a ‘developmentally-impaired’ child. Pardon the euphemism, especially if it sounds a mite harsh. I have no better way to describe it. Every time a new creepy crawly appeared from the depths of the valley that the rescue party was stuck in, the kids would “Oooh” and “Ahhh” while naming out each bug. Terribly annoying. Yes, yes – it’s cute for a while but it gets old when they keep taking wild jabs at every single new CG bug to appear on-screen. Just shut up and let me watch, please.

Now, let’s shift the focus over to the kid in his mother’s lap. I noticed that throughout the whole entire movie, he had his eyes closed. Or perhaps they were open in small, crafty slits. At regular intervals, he would let out a disturbing moan. Mind you, a single moan wasn’t enough. He had to do it time after time again. When the moaning didn’t get anyone’s attention, he would ball up his hand into a fist and smack himself in the cheek. I didn’t even have to look to know when he was doing it – every successive hit made a new popping sound. He just kept hitting himself over and over again.

I don’t mean to come out sounding like an uncaring, cold-hearted individual – it’s just that I find it strange how the kid kept going on like this. Sure, blame it on his mental condition. But how many people will go on making a fuss and acting the part of a fool when others are handing them everything they need? When he began hitting himself, his mother would take his wrists in her hands and clap his hands together. Great, more noise. But at least she shows that she cares for him. How much does the kid appreciate the show of kindness, though? And that’s the problem. Ungrateful being is just a little attention whore.

So afterwards we went to KLCC’s ‘Fitness Centre’ to play badminton. I haven’t played in ages and so, I failed miserably at doubles. At least I can still clear after a smash pretty well. Haven’t lost it all We played until 8:30PM and stopped because we were all feeling hungry.

Went up to Studio-R to pick up the stuff that I bought earlier. Ended up walking around KLCC with my new 6kg dumbbells, Yonex racket bag and everything in tow. Got back home to eat.

I slept at 2-ish after talking on the phone a bit with the usual suspects. Mom woke me up and asked for my phone, dad checked through the call history and found that I had made a call at 1:44AM at which point he became very angry and shuttled Alice over to the hospital for a little operation. Won’t go into specifics just because it isn’t interesting.

So.. Went out to KLCC today and met up with two friends. Watched Venom. Crappy horror movie. I disliked House of Wax because of all the gore and the plain grossness of the whole damn thing. I disliked Venom because there was no talent in the acting, cheesy plot, much too predictable. Avoid it.

After the movie, I wasn’t feeling so well so I ambled over to the theater exit. Didn’t quite realize that the guys that I was with had run off to sneak into another theater. Tried to follow, but then the employees at the cinema were all over my ass. I tried several times, used props, the works. Those bastards knew that I was coming so they set up a wall four-men strong to bar me out. If only I had balls enough to use my invisibility powers and just sneak past them. Instead, I just let the adrenaline fade and walked out. Bah.

From there things went weird. Perhaps they were strange earlier on. Whatever, whatever. Look at me, I’m still alive and kicking. Just a little confused and tired, the usual. I need to finish up my homework and everything so I can have less on my mind. Been letting it sit for way too long.

I’m feeling: Tired
Listening to: James Blunt – Goodbye My Lover

merry christmas.

I feel that I should be getting to sleep soon. I’ve lost quite a bit of sleep these past few nights for my own purposes, and it’s time to catch up with some much deserved rest. It’s also time to think of something new that I can devote my time and energy to. So much to do, so little time.

I didn’t do anything special today. Spent the whole day at home. My dad’s in Hawaii right now with my grandparents and 大叔叔. He’ll be back in two days’ time and then, we’ll finally be able to do our Christmas shopping.

What did I get this year? A little bit of spending money to pocket, OSIM iSqueez for everyone to use. Of course there will be some family time – nice seeing that Alice has been away from home for a semester.

I played Life with Alice and Justin. We played through two games, Justin won both times. He’s rather serious about board games – beats me down in Monopoly. As I am always the banker, the bank gives out loans all the time when we play

My more emotionally filled blog entries have been taken down for viewing by the general public and they are limited to viewing by me only. Talk about exclusivity. Think about all the perks of being me. Unrestricted access to all of my thoughts. That’s hot content, right there. Maybe I’ll start paying money for access to my head. A penny for my thoughts, mister?

I talked to Miss from 12:30AM to 4AM, December 25th. This month’s phone bill shouldn’t be quite as bad of a hit as calls have really been on a severe on-off basis. They should be even lower next month.

I went upstairs and climbed into bed after the call. I curled up to think, and I must say – this has been the best thing that’s happened to me all year. So much has happened this year, from beginning to end. There’s a lot that I’ve gotten myself into, a lot of it I don’t even remember. Sometimes I’ll find bits and pieces inside my journal that I use for vacations, hinting about how I was feeling at the time. I’m surprised that so much has happened in the space of one year.

I think I’ve finally learned the lesson that’s been beating me upside the head for about half of this year.

And now, it’s time to find something new or perhaps to bring back something old. Something that I can devote my time and energy into and receive satisfaction out of. I have more or less abandonned reading for personal enjoyment. Maybe it’s time to start that afresh.

Miss’ present to me was something that I must say I was expecting. There are parts of it that I really value, there are others that I find disagreeable. The most important thing to me – I’ve been vindicated. No longer do I find that I’ve been at fault. Nobody was led astray, everything happened as it was supposed to. With that, my conscience has been cleared and I don’t feel as if I am indebted in any way. This mistakes that I’ve made throughout this time period, I guess they were to be expected. I have so much more that I need to learn and I’m sure to make mistakes.

Tying up all the loose ends. Whatever happens is for the best and in the end, there’s nothing to worry about. Things will take their natural course and everything will be alright. I’m not lacking in any way and I am finally satisfied with what I have. I could ask for nothing better.

I look forward to what the future holds for me. A new post will come for the new year. It’s time to turn to a new page in the chapters of my life.

To come: this year in retrospect.

Have a nice life. Cheers to everyone who’s offered me a helping hand when one was needed. Time for this confused boy to get some sleep.

more benchmarking.

I still haven’t had the time to run a full suite of 3DMark and PCMark tests, so bear with me.

I’ve been getting into the AMD forums. There’s a lot that I can pick up from the users there about working with my AMD Athlon 64 CPU. I found that DFI Street is an amazing site for computer enthusiasts. A lot of excellent guides up there and the community handles all issues with utmost speed.

I did a bit of overclocking a while back and found that I could get OCEANBLUe to boot at 230*12 (2760MHz), meaning that my Corsair XMS CMX512-3200C2 can do a bit of work at 460MHz, 2.5-3-3-6 1T, 2.9V. Every time I try and relax the timings to allow for a higher FSB increase, the computer just crashes and burns and I have to resort to the CMOS reset jumper. Not a lot of fun. I’ll do a bit more reading on memory timings before I attempt that again.

Ran SiSoftware Sandra to do a quick CPU bench. The results are here. My AMD Athlon 64 3800+ Venice at 2760MHz runs neck to neck with an AMD Athlon 64 FX-57 at 2.8GHz. At least theoretically. Didn’t bother doing a memory test because of instability issues. I don’t think the Corsair XMS modules that I’m using like running at those timings and such high frequencies.

I decided to test for stability and find temperatures so I ran [email protected] I was already getting close to finishing with a new core, progress at 890/1000 frames. Unfortunately, the CPU is not stable at such frequencies and the core crashed and burned. Stress temperatures at 2760MHz are from 58°-60°C. I am a little concerned because AMD rates the 3800+ as able to go as high as 70°C. Not much room for error here. Idle temperatures are in the screenshot that I linked to just earlier.

I also decided to try out my luck with Aquamark 3. I was getting some Illegal Fault Exception earlier, and found out that it was linked to using PCI-e video cards. Some quick Google work later and I was ready to run with a new .DLL that was released as a hotfix a while back. I loosened the CPU timing a bit, knocking it down to 228*12 (2736MHz) and overclocked my X800XL to 435MHz Core / 540 (1080MHz) Memory. The results are here. Proud of the numbers that this machine can pull off. Good stuff.

Now to think about better cooling again. If I want to get a nice CPU cooler, I’ll go with the Cooler Master Hyper6+. Reviews are excellent, it’s a quality product. The only thing that worries me is the HSF’s massive size – it’s a huge tower that will stress the motherboard a bit with its weight alone.

Finally, cleaned up the inside of my computer a bit. I moved all the power cables and whatnot aside, tucking them away. I’d take a picture, but I don’t feel like it right now and my back hurts.

There we go. Rawr. I could break 2.8GHz without a problem if I had better cooling on this thing and if I could understand the damn RAM timings!

Listening to: The Postal Service – Such Great Heights