miss – it’s love, actually.

A large fuck you to anyone who has said that what I’ve done is out of desperation. An equally large one to anyone who has jeered and told me to “Get over it”. And thanks to everyone who’s heard me out. It’s been much appreciated.

It’s 2:38AM right now and I’m blogging this out on my sister’s laptop. I’m sitting on the rocking chair that’s in my room. The lights are on, I’m still sore from badminton, and I just felt that I had to get something out before I forget by next morning.

I was going to simply drop off to sleep after the phone call. Felt a little different tonight. After the rather hectic day out at KLCC and complete lack of conversation, I got to spill on the phone. Bought RM70 worth of credit today of which I’ve already used RM18. I need a proper allowance to keep up with my phone bills. One thing that I do like is that Maxis Hotlink has special rates for calls made after midnight. Makes talking a lot more affordable.

I must question how others look upon my, well, situation. It’s easy enough to shrug it off and observe that I’ve used a lot of my time on a girl and that there’s nothing left for me to hold onto. Terms like desperation and foolishness get tossed around in such cases. Don’t look at it in such a negative light. Where have I shown weakness? Through my persistence? Is that not a virtue in itself? For without persistence, what do we have to keep us going? Without tenacity, what drive is there to hold on when trouble comes our way? Without hope, what do we have to look forward to?

I remember that in one of my previous posts, I made a reference to a wet dog coming back to its owner in the end. My apologies if anyone has misinterpreted this – it was not meant to be directed towards anyone and was in fact a note for me to drop back into discussion on the point at a later time. Guess I’ve got time to write something up right now, so I may as we elaborate on it.

I was told that this situation can be compared in the likeness of an abused wife going back to her husband because he may still love her. Despite all the violence that she has to put up with, something drives her back. Weak. Desperation is the motivator. That was the point that was supposed to come across.

Now look at the dog that returns to its owner after running away. Why does it return? Surely not because it has nowhere else to go – a dog can find shelter wherever it pleases and food is never a rarity. The dog returns because of its unadulterated love for its owner. Why else would it return? There is no other commitment that holds it in its place. No pledge of allegiance, no unspoken contract that must be adhered to. However, there is a final limit. One day, the dog will refuse to return.

Now now, there was an interesting scene in King Kong that I found especially memorable. Towards the end of the film, “Jack Driscoll” is sitting in a small theater watching a play that he has written being performed. The brief exchange of dialogue between the actors onstage is the interesting thing – they talk about Jack’s failure to tell Ann Darrow about his feelings for her while he watches intently, reflecting on what he has done. He realizes that he has let the most beautiful thing that he has known simply slip from his fingers and storms out of the theater.

I wonder – did she already know that he loved her? All things aside, did the character really understand?

Oh, weird. I’m as tall as Naomi Watts is. Anywho, back to the point.

Heard some rather interesting things tonight that I’ll keep to myself. I don’t feel that it is right to disclose them to anyone else. It’s mine, all mine. You won’t get it out of me, not while I’m still alive and kicking. Good luck interrogating the body, though.

Upon hearing this, I was filled with that same feeling that had swept me before. It’s some blend of sadness, care, love; all topped off with a dash of hope. Quite an interesting concoction that always manages to blow me right off of my feet. It’s during these moments that I make grabs for whatever I’ve got left inside of me to give out. It’s from the soul, ma’am. Take it or leave it. I just want to let you know that you’ve had it.

What can I say now? I’ve said everything that needs to be said over the phone. I’ve cared. To say that I’ve always cared would be a lie – there was a point in time that I refused to become involved in this ever again. I look back and realize that that route is far behind me. I haven’t loved until recently. Perhaps I’ve said that before and I’m just repeating myself. Whatever – the fine line between love and lust is that one can wait whereas the other one takes what it can as it pleases. Earlier, I undervalued the things that I said I loved most. What I saw that was beautiful became nothing – I took it all for granted. I admit to that.

Believe me when I say these things. Don’t respond immediately – think about it. And make sure to read through any emails that I have sent you. The past ones too, if you haven’t deleted them yet. Learn to love. I will be here for you in times of need, but just keep in mind that I can’t wait forever. There is a time when I have to go. Which means we’ll just have to meet up for some 咖啡 sometime.

Now for something entirely offbeat – a search for yetieater yields some 730 or so hits from Google. A search for slash808, on the other hand, yields over 860. Eh.

I learned today that you can take a Sony Ericsson K750i and flash it with a W800i’s firmware, effectively having a W800i in a K750i’s body. I prefer the K750i to the W800i in a purely stylistic sense. I’ll consider giving Alice my T630 and using my Nokia 8310 until I can go to 上海 for Spring Break. I probably won’t manage to pull this off, but it’s always worth a shot. Would appreciate any pointers into the right direction for W800i firmware and a free flashing utility. Students don’t have much money.

Look at the time. It’s 3:32AM now. Time to get some rest.

Listening to: Raccoon – Love You More