pity on you.

I truly do take pity on you. Here’s a story about a girl I know. Feel free to listen.

But before I launch into my story, allow me to rant a bit. If you’re losing an argument, that’s great. No one can constantly win them. However, it’s no excuse to go down kicking and screaming, throwing out insults. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. Don’t toss insults in my direction just to start running. If you’re going to do that, be prepared to take a few hits yourself.

Which reminds me. I’ve got the decency not to resort to insults and low blows whenever things go wrong. I don’t need to put others down in order to assure myself of my own position. Don’t gloat if you won a small victory. Certainly do celebrate, just don’t let it consume you. The same goes for defeat.

Bear in mind that all actions that you commit have consequences, sometimes unforeseeable. Be careful with what you do today because it will affect you at some point or other later on. Certainly you can escape from it all with some luck, but some things will follow you wherever you go. Perhaps it’ll spread by word of mouth, an unfortunate incident or other.

I was really looking forward to coming to Malaysia. I had a lot of things that I wanted to leave behind in Beijing, other mistakes that I had made earlier on in life. I avoided most of my problems with that simple change in location. However, something unexpected occurred and news about a rather strange event spread without my knowledge of it doing so. What can I do? Just build things up and show others that such events are not ones that I would take part in. Let those who want to believe believe. That’s something I cannot change. However, I’ll do my best to do what I can.

Now, my story.

A girl. She looks happy on the outside, always smiling. A decent student, involved in several activities that she takes on outside of school. Capable in her own right. Determined to reach what she wants. Yet confused about what she wants. Swayed by others. Led around by the hand through so much of her life. Unable to stand up and fight. Forced into her extracurricular activities. Living in a family that has been torn apart in the past. Constantly left at home alone to take care of herself. Inefficient in her work. Bent too much by day to day events. Shrouded in insecurities. Unsure of so much.

A boy. Respected by his peers. Living in a happy family. Appears to be sure of himself. Gives off an almost cocky air. Willing to work with others. Aware of his weaknesses. Consumed by his weaknesses. Closed to his peers. Unwilling to open to anyone but the closest of friends. Responsible for conflicts in his own family. Angry and confused by so much. Mind filled with idealistic visions that he thinks can be achieved. In his adolescence, he wants to move on into adulthood. Unhappy with his current position. Always wanting more. Hard to satisfy. Constantly demanding more material goods. Caught up in day to day events, but looking always to the future. To a better day.

The boy meets the girl one day. Sees her a few times as a result of a mutual acquaintance. Gets her phone number, her email address, contacts her. Starts a friendship. Learns about her bit by bit through his acquaintance. Some time before Spring Break, tells her that he likes her. Does she like him too? The answer comes back, a yes. SMSes aplenty. Too afraid to talk to her in person. Too shy to call. Spring Break. He leaves for Shanghai. Misses her terribly. Wonders how things will work out. Emails her, tells her how he feels. She writes back. She misses him too.

Later on. One day, he invites her to see a movie. Goes with a few other people. He doesn’t pay much attention to the movie, looks at her with such fondness. Feels the rush of being near her. Scared of what to say, what to do. Confused and clumsy. Talks to her a few times throughout the movie but that is all. Finds it so hard to speak to her in person, so easy to tell her about how he feels in a SMS. After all, words are just words. What is there to fear?

Still time goes on. The feelings are still there but growing weaker. He doesn’t have many opportunities to see her, yet she is so close. Nothing to hold onto. What is there but empty words? Relationship draws to a close. She says that things aren’t working out. He understands, he forgets and moves on quickly. Later. A conflict arises. The two are flung to opposite ends. The boy is furious.

Summer. The boy leaves and comes back after a month. He waits a few weeks. Boredom. The incessant trickle of time. So little to do over the summer, yet so much to look forward to. Another SMS. Probing to see who is still around. Finds her. Tells her that he still has feelings for her. Doesn’t remember what happened earlier. What tore them apart. She still likes him.

Late nights. Sleepless nights. Restless days. A volley of communication, but no real communication. Simply empty words flitting back and forth. Still hasn’t seen her. No contact. Nothing to hold onto. Reopening of school draws near. What will he think when he finally sees her again? What will she think? She leaves on account of some family situation. When she comes back, he is at a loss for words. He’s confused again. Doesn’t know how to treat her.

—//—

And it goes on. I’ve detailed a lot of it through my blog. Of course, those old entries have now been set to Private View Permissions and they will remain that way. Anyone who’s read through even a few of them can piece things together. It’s too much to type out all over again.

—//—

Time goes on. Three break ups during the school year. The boy learns so much about the girl from late nights on the phone. So much time. At times he questions what the purpose is. The confusion slips in again. Yet he always convinces himself that he loves her. He appreciates her so much for her qualities. Loves her for her flaws. She is so beautiful to him. He shuts out the things that others say, convinced that she is right for him. Convinced that things will work out. Looking always to the future.

Time after time again, he tells her that her loves her. Letting himself down. Hurt by her words, so afraid to talk to her after each incident. Always working, confused and unable to carry on. Sure that she is right, so sure of it. Tries and after each attempt is reduced to tears. What has happened to the girl that he loved, he asks? Who is he talking to now? She answers back cooly, she is still the same girl.

Lying awake at night. He wonders. How can she possibly understand how much she means to him? Where has he gone wrong in proving to her his feelings? Unaware of what he wants. Not sure what to expect of her. Angry at himself, wondering how to make things right. Wondering why she doesn’t listen. Why doesn’t she feel a thing? Why can’t she understand his feelings for her?

Then he looks at her flaws. Looks back to the past, to what he has learned after so long. Remembers her telling him that she hates her parents. Remembers hearing that she doesn’t feel that they love her. Remembers telling her that they certainly do. That she must discuss with them how she wants to live her life. Remembers telling her to stand up for herself and to be confident, to be strong. Remembers asking her what she loves. A simple question. And her hesitation in her response. Frivolous things. Has she not had any love? Is that why she cannot understand, cannot feel a thing at his words? Brushes them aside so casually?

Lies back. Sharp exchange of words. Anger, frustration at her apparent insensitivity. Remembers what he said. Finally recalls the advice that others have shared. Wonders, is this what he wants? Will chasing this give him the happiness that he wants? Confusion. And finally, resolve. Time. The time that he has put in – it must have meant something. Where is it now? Time will heal all things.

Finally looks back again. All those things that he said, he meant. He wanted so much for her, only the best. Wanted to be there for her when she needed it, wanted to be able to make her happy. Wanted happiness. Wanted to be at peace with himself. Wanted somebody to be able to depend on.

He cries no more. A faint smile. It’s time to look forward once again.

I’m feeling: Tired
Listening to: The Suicide Machines – Honor Among Thieves

tinkering with memory. and today.

I really don’t understand RAM timings. It’s something rather new to me, and I was struggling with it when I was putting together my computer. Incorrect settings lead to BSODs, allowing the BIOS to work things out automatically results in loose timings that don’t take advantage of my RAM.

I was running 2.5-3-3-8 2T earlier, dropped to 2.5-3-3-6 2T and then to 2.5-3-3-6 1T. Just recently, I decided to bring it down further to 2-3-3-6 1T. This is all at stock voltage, 2.6V. 2-3-3-6 1T runs stable with FSB 226 and 1:1 FSB / DRAM, essentially using DDR452.

Today, I played around a little more with the RAM timings. Now I’ve got my Corsair XMS CMX512-3200C2 Rev 6.1 at 2-2-2-6 1T, stock voltage. Should be relatively stable – had no problem with some quick memory bandwidth benchmarks. I’ll do some gaming with it later to see if there’s any problem with stability.

I can’t boot with FSB 226MHz at these timings. Go figure. I guess I should relax to 2.5-3-3-8 1T when doing overclocking runs, perhaps even go to 3-3-3-8 1T. Problem is everytime I try and boot with CAS 3, the computer doesn’t POST and I have to reset the CMOS. Which involves opening up the machine and changing the jumper position, then turning everything on and checking to see that it all works.

Changing from 2-3-3-6 1T to 2-2-2-6 1T yielded practically no change in memory bandwidth results. Don’t know what I was expecting because I really don’t know what I’m doing with all these timings.

Current configuration
AMD Athlon 64 3800+ Venice DH-E3 2400MHz (200*12)
Corsair XMS CMX512-3200C2 Rev 6.1 @ DDR400 2-2-2-6 1T, 2.6V

Watched Red Eye today, was alright. I’m using my Nokia 8310 as my parents have my Sony Ericsson T630. I swapped SIMs to keep a line open. Don’t particularly like having my phone taken away from me. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get the Sony Ericsson K750i.. It’s a very nice phone, I have enough in savings for it – problem is, I still haven’t paid off the debt that I owe to my dad. There’s no way in hell that my parents would let me get a new phone anyways.

Considering just giving anything that I don’t need to Alice so she can have it. Looking at giving her my Sony Ericsson T630, Sony PSP JP v2.0, 512MB Sony Memory Stick Duo PRO. It’ll make for less distractions, certainly. I still have a few pictures that I want to pull from my T630 before I let it go. Need to buy a BlueTooth adapter for that, though. I’ll go pick one up the next time that I go outside. I hope.

Got a new mechanical toothbrush yesterday. My old Oral-B Professional Care series brush died on me towards the end of the summer. I’ll try and take better care of this one. It looks even prettier than the old one. Yay.

Been playing a fair amount of Counter-Strike: Source on ESPL Clan’s server. Ranked 22nd or 23rd, KD ratio somewhere between 1.82 and 1.86. I need to keep working on that. The server’s been having some serious connection issues lately and it lags at times, forcing everyone out. Irritating.

Stayed at home and enjoyed the day with family today. Felt irritated for some reason or other throughout the day. Made dumplings, dad was frying food. Yes yes, family time. Happy new year. That type of thing.

Starting to hate the taste of beer. Need to go buy myself a bottle or two of whisky when I go to Shanghai. Haha..

Nothing interesting. Nothing new. SUSFU. Chatted a bit last night, went crazy on the webcam. Feel tired these days – malcontent and unsatisfied. Gained some weight to my own surprise. I’ll go burn it off.

Uh. Attention-seeking? No. That’s not why I blog. And what was so damn personal about the last post? For Christ’s sake, I’m not trying to get anything resolved. Knock knock.

I’m gone.