Once summer hits, it’ll mark the second year that I’ve resided in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. Throughout this time, I’ve met a number of people, few of which have interested me, and even fewer that I would dare consider friends. Perhaps it’s just when I’m not feeling well that I can contemplate ending everyone around me without a single stab of remorse.
The days have dragged along, exams are coming, and I have yet to study for my SAT II Math 2C test. Just yesterday, I finally received my letter from the National Merit Scholarship folks. It turns out that it’s one week too late to take any action, at least online. NMS’ Collegeplans.orghas already closed down, making it impossible to indicate my interest in the NMS program. I’ll just have to work through the counselling office and see how things go.
What irks me is that after living here for two years, I have not developed any true attachment to anyone. After the disastrous relationship that I had earlier this year, I’ve felt distant and removed from my surroundings. It’s becoming harder to build and maintain trusting friendships with anyone. I’m happier by myself, just squandering my time away on non-productive activities and catching sleep in the school library when I’ve deprived myself of it at home.
I’ve tried to rebuild an old friendship, if it can be called that, only to have wasted more time and gained myself nothing but confusion tinged with anger. I don’t appreciate my time going towards nothing, something that is happening with increasing frequency despite my attempts to keep friendships on the right path. I don’t like getting pushed away out of some blind fear after developing a relationship for over a year. It’s hard to stomach.
So where am I now? I’ve tried to be nice, tried to be caring, tried to listen and to be a good friend. I ended up falling flat on my ass. What’s most confusing to me is the conflicting ideas that I see being tossed back and forth. They change faster than my mood swings and I don’t know how to deal with them.
I’ve left myself with no one to talk to at nights when I need support. When I leave this place, the thing that I’ll miss the most is my immediate family and my dog. The people I’ve met have all meant close to nothing, with the exception of that one person with which I’ve exhausted my patience for time after time.
I don’t care what you think, I don’t care what you like. If there are problems, I can deal with them. All I ask for is rational discussion and no bullshit. If you’ve had a bad day, so be it. Don’t let that have an adverse effect on your judgement. Say things with the intention of following through with your words.
Make it worth my while.